And after all this, why is it so hard to trust You? You have performed countless miracles in my life, the greatest of all being my call from my life of sin, reminiscent to that of Gomer from the book of Hosea, and granted me mercy and love for years of slavery to my impure desires. You had pursued me for years and finally, once I had lost all of my comforts and was face-to-face with my internal poverty, You told me I was beautiful and I finally listened. You told me I was worth more than the life I had been living and that I had yet to experience the love that could move mountains, the love that could truly satisfy and I began to let You work in my life. You took away the clothes that I thought made me beautiful or desirable, You took away the friends that I was too weak to say no to, and You replaced my mask of, “Life is great!” and allowed me to actually expose my wounds that so desperately needed healing. It has taken time, LOTS of time, for me to realize that You are the only man who has fought for me. So, where is my trust?
On this path of never-ending conversion, I have daily choices to make. Do I fall back into a mindset that I had followed for years and is ‘easy’? Do I believe the lies and feel guilty for who I once was? Or do I follow this new path of great resistance and trust in Your plan for my life? It is a decision that seems crystal clear on paper but is actually very difficult. I know where I am called, and to what life I am called, yet I know that this time of waiting is a time of strengthening and continual purification. In His great mercy He has placed an amazing community in my midst and along my path that have been encouraging me on this walk. He also has put me in the second greatest job in the world, in one of the neediest parts of the world so my priorities may be rightly ordered with Christ at the center, others and their needs, and myself last. I hope that if I remain open to the ways He longs to work on me, in me, and through me that I may be sanctified and gifted with what I so ardently desire.
For you had compassion on the prisoners and you joyfully accepted the plundering of your property, since you knew that you yourselves had a better possession and an abiding one. Therefore do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward. For you have need of endurance, so that you may do the will of God and receive what is promised. Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. Hebrews 10:34-11:1
May we all have faith in God, His love, and His will for our lives.