Deliver me, Jesus

Living in a world where being the best, most successful, and receiving praise for good works is at the forefront of our minds, words like humility and modesty are received as a swift slap to the face as we understand their meaning. As I have very recently discovered, I do not naturally find myself hoping for humiliation or the revealing of my weaknesses to the general public. I would much rather adorn my better qualities and works that could make me proud. But this is not my calling. This is not what makes me into a saint for the Lord.

Friday morning marked my heightened awareness to my need of greater humility. Not only did I awaken with the urge to read the Litany of Humility, but was then given the scripture 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 in morning prayer which reads:

As to the extraordinary revelations, in order that I might not become conceited I was given a thorn in the flesh, an angel of Satan to beat me and keep me from getting proud. Three times I begged the Lord that this might leave me. He said to me, “My grace is enough for you, for in weakness power reaches perfection.” And so I willingly boast of my weaknesses instead, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
Therefore I am content with weakness, with mistreatment, with distress, with persecutions and difficulties for the sake of Christ; for when I am powerless, it is then that I am strong.

When have those words ever been uttered from your mouth? Or thought in your mind? I’ll answer that for you and myself- never! Enduring trials, mistreatment, distress, persecutions, and difficulties with peace of mind or even joy seem nearly impossible and definitely not something readily sought after. In fact, being here in Beijing and knowing little to no Mandarin has been quite humbling and on a pitch black bus ride, brought me to tears and eventually a silent recitation of the Rosary to regain my bearings.

Not being able to communicate with 98% of the people you encounter is a challenging, yet motivating, struggle that I have to endure. You find yourself back to two years of age pointing to objects like bananas, plates, cars, and cats attempting to repeat, in your very best accent, the foreign words and sounds coming from their mouths. Or, you go to your list of three mastered phrases and try to converse, only to realize that you haven’t memorized the appropriate response. The smiles and nods ensue, followed by a Dui bu qui (I’m sorry), and a Wo bu dong (I don’t understand). This normally ends in more smiles and nods, and my face smashed into my English-Mandarin dictionary.

As I mentioned before, this is a very humbling experience and has challenged me to rely on the Lord’s provision for willing friends to become our teachers and for my actions to be a visual representation of my faith and love for all whom I meet. Learning Mandarin is a necessity for obvious reasons, but allowing my weaknesses to be the bridge for the Lord to strengthen in His name and in His ways is a priority and the only path to sanctity.

So, what does this require? It requires me to acknowledge where I am weak, to allow Christ’s light to shine on the hidden areas of sinfulness that I attempt to keep to myself, and to become like a child that gives all of their good works to their Father. This hunt for praise and recognition should be given to Jesus alone and one day if I am to be in full communion with our Lord, the reward will be great. From now until then, I will begin the process of breaking down this desire to be seen, and daily recite this beautiful litany.

O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me.
From the desire of being esteemed,
Deliver me, Jesus.

From the desire of being loved…
From the desire of being extolled …
From the desire of being honored …
From the desire of being praised …
From the desire of being preferred to others…
From the desire of being consulted …
From the desire of being approved …
From the fear of being humiliated …
From the fear of being despised…
From the fear of suffering rebukes …
From the fear of being calumniated …
From the fear of being forgotten …
From the fear of being ridiculed …
From the fear of being wronged …
From the fear of being suspected …

That others may be loved more than I,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be esteemed more than I …
That, in the opinion of the world,
others may increase and I may decrease …
That others may be chosen and I set aside …
That others may be praised and I unnoticed …
That others may be preferred to me in everything…
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should…